A baby is born with a congenital disorder. An innocent young child is sexually abused by a relative.
Orphans on the streets of countries like Ukraine, Russia, and Romania… Wars around the world taking innocent lives by the thousands… Starved kids with swarms of flies around them… People committing atrocious acts in the name of God…
Where is God? Does God exist? If He does exist, does He care? And if He cares, why doesn’t He do something about it?
These questions and many others flooded my mind as I was walking aimlessly through my college campus – a young woman, whose heart was full of anger and resentment. I wanted to curse God. I wanted to shake my fist to the sky and say, “You really think I am so stupid that I would believe these fairy tales and lies I’ve been fed since I was a child?”
Oh, no. I am not going to allow myself to be brainwashed any longer. I am done. You see, God: I have become enlightened and all those people who still believe in you are simply using you as a crutch. Or they are using religion to pursue their own sick agendas. Or they use the idea of you and the Bible for other reasons they invent to justify their belief in a God that doesn’t even exist…
And why am I even talking to you or being angry at you? Maybe there is no “you.” However, if there is a chance that you do exist, I don’t want to have anything to do with you!
If you are so loving and caring, and if you are so powerful, what “pressing business” prevented you from keeping an innocent girl safe? Why couldn’t you have put a shield of protection around her, or even send one of your powerful angels to keep her from being sexually assaulted?
My father is a pastor for God’s sake! He sacrificed so much of his time with his own family to serve YOU. My mom obviously loves you and tells me of how wonderful and amazing you are and how you always answer prayers… Why couldn’t you keep a child of your faithful servants safe?!
You want to talk about prayers and how you answer them? I prayed for my brother to be healed, especially after seeing the raw anguish and the unspoken hurt in the eyes of my mother…
Really? If you exist then prove it to me! Why don’t you make it all easier and just show up? Reveal yourself to me!
There is no one upstairs. There is no God…
I expected some sort of relief following my blatant denial of God’s existence. Maybe a feeling of “freedom” from all the ideas and beliefs which, I felt, were enslaving me to this “man-made” God and the religion known as Christianity.
The denial was hidden from those who loved me and from those I knew. Maybe because I was a private person or, perhaps more so, because I had a life I wasn’t ready to destroy just yet.
There were long-time friends, who thought I was a spiritual girl who loved Jesus. And there were parents of those friends and other adults in my church, who pointed to me as an example of a good Christian girl.
I was in the process of becoming the main church pianist, accompanying the youth and the main choirs and main service hymns. I was involved with my youth group. I knew the Bible well and it appeared to me that my peers wanted me to be on their team whenever there was a Bible knowledge contest (similar to the American Bible Challenge which airs on the GSN channel).
Even though I hated being the hypocrite, I loved the spotlight more…
And I learned to hide my thoughts and feelings well. Did anyone suspect anything? I doubt it. I GREW UP in the church. I knew the ins and outs of the church AND I knew so many other hypocrites who played their roles like professional actors. Why not play pretend as well?
And if God doesn’t exist, nothing really matters. It’s all a play… Or in the words of William Shakespeare, “All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players.”
What I didn’t know or realize at that time, is the fact that these stage players (I think the word “puppets” is a better choice) are moved by either God or Satan.
Not in a sense that the players have no choice of who moves them, but in a sense that the actors make a choice of who will be directing their actions. How I came to realize this, I want to reveal in a following post.
Meanwhile I invite you, my readers, to have a discussion in the comments section. Did you have any doubts as a believer or do you still have them? Let’s encourage others by sharing the awesome and amazing work God has done in our hearts! Let’s worship Him and honor Him and let the joy of our salvation and redemption spill out as we share our testimonies!
I see many young people (people I know or people I simply know about) who are having life-changing doubts. They may be hiding these thoughts as I have from everyone they know. Or they may be open about it.
It may even be you who is doubting everything you ever knew or have been taught by your parents or your church. What are your doubts?
My only request is for us to have a loving and respectful discussion. One that would only edify us, strengthen our faith, and above all, one that would honor and glorify our Savior.
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